Back Issue #3: I got bit by a spider (part 2) (WITH A PIC!)

Originally posted June 22nd, 2008 on MySpace.

Ok, so it's like day 6 of my spider bite. Still no super powers. All I'm getting is an infection. Seriously though, I'm somewhat afraid that my skin's gonna start rotting off my body. I looked up some spider bite pictures just now and holy shit... there's some pretty fucked up spiders out there. Take this link for instance. While that remains undetermined whether it was a brown recluse bite or not, they suspect it was. I can't even imagine that happening to my stomach. I mean, duh, I didn't get bitten by one of those but my bite still has the potential to get pretty gross. And speaking of really gross...

Here's a picture of my spider bite (Click it for the "full effect"):


It's gross, I know. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have to see a doctor about it on Monday or Tuesday. It doesn't appear to be getting any better. When I move it stings like dry skin. It's pretty aweful. And since I'm not an Olympian God and don't have a 6-pack, the spider bite's on the top part of where my mini gut starts. So like, when I move, the spider bite's basically like, "WOW! [inflicts pain, inflicts pain] STOP EATING SUCH SHITTY FAST FOOD! I'M THE PAINFUL REMINDER THAT YOU HAVE A CREASE WHERE A GUT'S FORMING!"

Spider bites = best diet ever. If you're not convinced quite yet that that's true, take a good LONG look at my picture and tell me if you feel like eating after that.

Didn't think so.

I'm going to be a doctor! (Because I watch TV)

I was just watching a commercial for Plavix, which apparently is some sort of pill that prevents heart attacks and blood clots. Let me set the commercial's scene for you, incase you haven't seen it:

It's a bright, sunny day.
There's a family reunion.
Everyone's playing some sort of sport involving a ball, except the one older guy who's sitting in a folding chair.
A younger man jogs over and asks the old man to join.
"Not on these old legs!"

Then the younger guy goes on about Plavix and explains how it can help his heart condition and whatever. I'm sure you've all seen the commercials that are basically montage of physically active people while a monologue by an unseen narrator basically gives you a public service announcement explaining the risks of the disease and talks about the benefits of the pill. This, of course, is followed by the side effects of taking the pill, which is almost everything short of death (and sometimes even that. Erections lasting longer than 4 hours can be fatal!)

After that, the camera cuts back to the 2 men and the younger guy says, "Seriously, ask your doctor," in a variety of different ways. Really? Ask his doctor? Is that even logical? By "asking his doctor", not only is he suggesting you ask your doctor, but he's basically suggesting that your doctor's completely oblivious as to how to treat your disease. And you know what? He is. He probably doesn't watch Plavix commercials while watching endless hours horrible day-time television. He doesn't know about erections lasting more than for hours. He doesn't know anything about Abdominal pain, agitation, anxiety, constipation, decreased sex drive, diarrhea or loose stools, difficulty with ejaculation, dizziness, dry mouth, fatigue, gas, headache, decreased appetite, increased sweating, indigestion, insomnia, nausea, nervousness, pain, rash, sleepiness, sore throat, tingling or pins and needles, tremor, vision problems, vomiting.

But you know what? I do! During my winter break, I've watched more mindless TV during the day than you can shake a stick at. Not even a Wiimote.

Next time you're sick, come to me...

...Dr. Phil.