I'm not even going to say it!

I'm not even going to say that I'm going to turn over a new leaf once again and start blogging more. I'm just going to do it.

On a side note: did you know there's a word for bringing up something by saying you have no intention of bringing it up? It's called "apophasis". It's official definition is "the device of mentioning a subject by stating that it will not be mentioned: I shall not discuss his cowardice or his treachery".

English is fun.

A lot has happened since I last posted. I married the man of my dreams, moved across a few states, and still haven't gone on my honeymoon. Soon though! Hopefully.

I scream for a bowl and spoon!

I really enjoy cake and I also enjoy ice cream. These two splendid things as we all know go marvelously together. Sometimes, however, not so much.

Some people do the whole "cone" thing for ice cream. I can respect that. I mean hell, you eat the dish you serve it in. I'm an avid fan of not dirtying dishes so you don't have to wash them. You do still have to wash the scoop after, but that's not an entirely huge deal.

I definitely sacrifice my "no dishes" rule though when it comes to ice cream. I prefer it in the bowl for sure. That way, there's no mess if the ice cream decides to melt and I can eat it at my own pace. Also, I don't lick ice cream, I bite it. I can't stand it when people lick ice cream, leaving their tongue trails in the tower of creamy goodness. Gross. In any case, I find it very beneficial to use a spoon when eating ice cream. It helps eliminate getting it all over your face.

With cake, on the other hand, it's much more customary to eat with a fork, on a plate. Liquids and ice cream are for spoons. If you're eating a solid food, you use a fork. That's basically a scientific fact. And you use a plate because there's nothing to contain like you would need a bowl for. The one exception to this rule however is ice cream cake, for obvious reasons.

Anyway, when it comes to eating cake AND ice cream, it only makes sense to put it in a bowl, and to use a spoon. It's much easier to scoop a chunk of cake and ice cream with a spoon than it is to stab the ice cream with the prongs of the fork as it runs through it like butter. Forget getting your cake to stay on the fork while you try to manage scraping that meager little portion of ice cream. And to add ease to the scooping of the spoon, it should be served in a bowl, lest it fall off the plate and onto the floor.

I write this blog because recently I was served cake and ice cream on a flimsy paper plate with a fork. It didn't go well.

Procrastination and Sunlight!

Procrastination is something I'm really good at (or really bad with, if you want to pull the "cup half full/half empty" argument on me.) Right now, I'm putting off a 3 page paper that's supposed to be an in-depth look at 2 poems about sunlight, while mentioning up to 5 other poems as well. I could've picked a different theme besides sunlight, I suppose, since there were 2 others I could've picked from; "anti-war" and "end of the world", but I figured sunlight would be the easiest to find poems on. Poems with sunlight are usually a bit too chipper for my taste, whereas "end of the world" poems tend to be right up my alley. I only have to write 3 pages though, so oh well.

In light of procrastinating, I'll point out the elephant in the room and say that it's been quite a few months since I've written on this thing. Sooo many things have changed in my life since my last post, I don't even know where to begin. I've started and practically ended my first semester at a state university. That's kind of neat. I'm an English major in the "writing arts" program. I really like it, although I admit it's very intimidating.

I didn't write enough this semester. I know that through my recent lack of interest in writing essays and short stories for my classes. There would always be long periods of time where I would be doing nothing but reading or critiquing other student's stories. I should've kept up on my blog during these times. Not only would I continue to grow as a writer, but I wouldn't feel so panicked all of the sudden when asked to write something. In any case, that's all going to change. I'm going to keep up-to-date on this blog, and maybe another one about a more personal, yet amusing aspect of my life. More on that later.

I believe I've found my niche as a writer, however. I enjoy writing darker stories and poems, but I also enjoy writing humor. Turns out, after submitting some stories in my Writing Fiction class, I'm much better at the latter of the two.

Speaking of which, I love the phrase, "The latter of the two." It's a phrase I've been dying to use for a very long time, and you just witnessed the first time I ever have. There were a few reasons why I've never abused the hell out of that phrase before. Not only was I not sure if it meant the first or second option, but I had no clue if it was "latter" or "ladder". When I went to end my last paragraph with it, I shit you not, I looked it up finally. There are a lot of phrases like that that escape me right now that I would look up for the hell of it (and to put off my paper some more). One phrase that I looked up over the summer was "The proof is in the pudding". Granted, I'll probably never use it, but it's nice to know what it means, and whether or not it's "pudding" or "putting". The later of the two makes more sense, because you could guess that it could mean where something's put, rather than something about a dessert. But, alas, it's the dessert.

Anyway, I'll definitely be making a valiant effort to be posting on a somewhat regular basis again... at least once a week if I can help it. It's 3:00 am here and I should really get that paper started. I don't think I'll be going to sleep tonight. Can't wait to see the sunlight in a few hours.

Making up my mind, in a flash!

I really like technology. I enjoy reading about it, playing with it, and buying it. That being said, I'm also very indecisive about it. I could research cell phones or something for days but eventually I'll be stuck between four different models.

I had to buy a camera recently. I don't really know why I thought I needed a camera, since I'm really into writing. All I knew, was that I needed that new camera.

I have a perfectly good camera right now. The only thing that bugs me about it is that I have to push the "scroll left" button extra hard to get it to work. I'm not really the kind of guy looking to exert the extra strength that goes into pushing that button. It really irritates me, especially with the right button being so easy to push.

Anyway, like I said, I needed a new camera, so I trotted on over to Best Buy and looked around in there for some models I had found online. I still wasn't exactly sure what kind I wanted. A camera with face recognition would be kind of cool, but to me, that's a "party camera", a camera college girls buy to take pictures of their best friends finishing up their first keg stand. Oh, the memories sorority girls share. I'd pay to see that scrapbook.

I was definitely interested in a camera with a nice zoom, manual mode (if I can figure out how to use it), and a high mega pixel count. I was quickly approached by a sales clerk who asked me if I needed help.

I looked up at him, "Oh, no thanks. I need a new camera and I'm just taking a look at what you guys have," I replied.

"Well, what would you primarily use it for?" he asked.

I lost eye contact and looked towards the table of cameras. I began, "Well..."

I knew he was just asking so he could find the camera that would "best fit my needs". It's a classic sales tactic. If I had said "I'm just looking to take pictures of my friends when we all hang out," like any other half wit passing through, he would've sold me some crappy camera that does absolutely nothing. I'm on a "poor college student" budget, but I didn't want that to stop me from getting a good camera.

I knew if I wanted to be sold a good camera, I couldn't possibly tell him the truth; I would probably use it to take a few random pictures of my friends the next time we hung out, then I'd lose it in a drawer somewhere and forget about it. I had to think of something really convincing so he would sell me something amazing, but inexpensive.

"Well, I'm a photography major down at a school in Massachusetts. I'm looking to get my Masters Degree in it so that I can travel abroad and take pictures at fashion shows in Paris. The school I'm going to is really expensive, so I'm on a tight budget for a camera, but I need a really good one with lots of capabilities."

Immediately, since I told him I was just looking, he decided to ask about my fantastic school.

"I have a friend that's a photography major too! He was looking at the Hallmark Institute of Photography down in that area, but he didn't end up going, it was a little expensive and he wanted to go somewhere closer."

"Yeah, it's a really nice school. I go there." I smiled at my now established university. I went on, "I love it. One of my favorite things there is the dining hall. They spend a lot of money on the food. It's nothing like those community colleges," I snickered a little, for good measure. I know how bad the local community college's food is. I just graduated from there, and it's pretty terrible.

"Yeah, the food's pretty bad at those places." He paused as his eyes narrowed, "So, if the school has so much money for food, why don't they have a fund somewhere to supply you guys with cameras?"

"They expect us to be financially savvy enough to buy our own cameras. Also, since everyone buys their own cameras, each different camera offers a unique eye to the world, further making each photography project unique."

I was really running out of lies. Well, it wasn't that I was running out of lies, so much as it was about me forgetting what I had told him already. I already forgot what college I said I go to. I remembered it was in a state that started with an "M", but that was about it. It was time to bail.

"Well, I like what I see here, but I'm going to head over to Ritz Camera. They had a Figifilm camera for under $900. I think I'm going to go with that one." I declared as I turned away and began heading towards the exit.

He called out to me, "It's Fujifilm! And I thought you were on a budget!"

I started to turn around to explain my inconsistency, but my feet decided that would just make things worse. Before I knew it, I was out the door. I didn't need a camera that bad anyway.

Summer Bummer

Life's been crazy lately with classes ending, but now that it's summer, hopefully I'll get back into my blogging routine.

I recently got a pretty rad job. I work at a cell phone kiosk in Sam's Club, and sell almost every cell phone imaginable. We sell three "contract" phones services, including Verizon, Sprint, and AT&T, as well as the five prepaid plans Boost Mobile, Virgin Mobile, Net10, TracPhone, and AT&T GO Phones. It's a fairly easy job, although the processes take some getting used to. I've only been there a month and a half or so now, and I've gotten most of them down pat. Some, however, I still have yet to learn.

Verizon Wireless, for example is the biggest bitch ever. We have to do everything for them manually, including the credit check and contract. All of the others we can do through the computer, but since Verizon is done over the phone after a 15 minute wait, it definitely takes the longest to finish.

When it's slow, there's literally nothing to do. The best I can do to keep myself entertained and stimulated, sexually or otherwise, is to greet customers and pace around like a lunatic. If there are no customers, I'm stuck using the computer. Once I'm done browsing the 13 pages that aren't blocked, I'm left to my own devices. By that, I of course mean my cell phone. Since I work at a cell phone kiosk, they're pretty lenient about making/receiving calls and text messages. That gets old too after awhile though. Half the people I send my "plz talk 2 me! I'm @ work and bored!" text messages to, don't reply. The ones that do reply, I simply run out of things to say to them.

It's at this point where I hit an all time low. I will look for anyone, in my cell phone's contact list, or someone in the store to talk to. About absolutely anything. Once I find a person, if I don't hold my composure and hide my desperation for human communication, I'll scare them away, worsening my situation.

I've recently found a way around all of this, though. One of my coworkers suggested I bring a book. I was so flabbergasted at the simplicity and obviousness of her suggestion, but I immediately started bringing various books and graphic novels to work. Today, I in fact got paid for 30 minutes of actual work, and 3 1/2 hours of reading comics. It was pretty fantastic.

All this lack of business comes with a price, however. The kiosk is closing at the end of this month. It really kind of sucks, for a lot of reasons. The main reason it does, though, has everything to do with my online training. The district manager was really late making it available to me, so I got it finally after working there about three weeks. After about two weeks of actually having the training and, within the same two weeks, procrastinating doing the training, I found out the kiosk is closing.

Now I'm stuck in an awkward position. I can either buckle down and do all of the training so my last 9 days of work go by smoothly, or I could skip it because there's really no point now anyway. Obviously, I'm going to skip it. It's going to be brutal though.

I'm going to miss this job. The customers at the Sam's Club kiosk were a huge step up from the customers at Sears. As many of you know, you need a membership to get into Sam's, meaning that not just any half-wit can go in there and annoy the snot out of me with their petty retail problems. The only half-wits that are allowed in Sam's are the ones that are willing to shell out an extra $40 every so often to enter the building. They're few and far between, though.

I did have one lady in the store today, who was either really stupid or totally stressed out by her kid. While it was probably the kid, one can never be sure when it comes to the general public. She asked me briefly about a car charger for her phone that she didn't have on her, nor did she know the name of it. During our conversation, she was holding on to her son's arm, trying to contain him and keep him out of trouble. To no avail, he was using his other hand to grab at my fake demo phones and let go, causing the tether to snap them back into their places. After he did that to a couple of phones, his mother turned to him and screamed, "YOU NEED TO STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! IF YOU BREAK THOSE, MOMMY'S GOING TO HAVE TO PAY FOR THEM AND MOMMY CAN'T AFFORD THEM!"

I don't think she knew they were made of plastic with cardboard screens. If she did, she should really consider not spending her money on a membership at Sam's Club and worry more about saving up for the other plastic and cardboard things that her son will inevitably break.

Back Issue #3: I got bit by a spider (part 2) (WITH A PIC!)

Originally posted June 22nd, 2008 on MySpace.

Ok, so it's like day 6 of my spider bite. Still no super powers. All I'm getting is an infection. Seriously though, I'm somewhat afraid that my skin's gonna start rotting off my body. I looked up some spider bite pictures just now and holy shit... there's some pretty fucked up spiders out there. Take this link for instance. While that remains undetermined whether it was a brown recluse bite or not, they suspect it was. I can't even imagine that happening to my stomach. I mean, duh, I didn't get bitten by one of those but my bite still has the potential to get pretty gross. And speaking of really gross...

Here's a picture of my spider bite (Click it for the "full effect"):


It's gross, I know. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have to see a doctor about it on Monday or Tuesday. It doesn't appear to be getting any better. When I move it stings like dry skin. It's pretty aweful. And since I'm not an Olympian God and don't have a 6-pack, the spider bite's on the top part of where my mini gut starts. So like, when I move, the spider bite's basically like, "WOW! [inflicts pain, inflicts pain] STOP EATING SUCH SHITTY FAST FOOD! I'M THE PAINFUL REMINDER THAT YOU HAVE A CREASE WHERE A GUT'S FORMING!"

Spider bites = best diet ever. If you're not convinced quite yet that that's true, take a good LONG look at my picture and tell me if you feel like eating after that.

Didn't think so.

Back Issue #2 : I got bit by a spider, and I don't have super powers... what a sham!

Originally posted June 20th, 2008 on MySpace.

At least I think it was a spider. I don't know. Regardless of the species, I still have no super powers. I didn't think it was going to happen, but it would've been cool. Cooler than a giant, red, sore welt on my stomach at least.

I'm not really sure when it happened either, just that it happened on Monday. It REALLY creeps me out to think that it was inside my shirt and just biting me repeatedly. I have like 2 other smaller bumps near it.

So yeah, on another buggy note, I don't know if many of you know this about me, but I'm most definitely extremely afraid of centipedes. Now I know what you're thinking... "Really Phil? Those stupid little red things you see under rocks?" And yeah. Understandable. Allow me to explain. When I was little and lived in Hawaii, I had one crawl across my arm in my bed. And for those of you who don't know, centipedes look more like this in Hawaii...


Yeah. Fucking terrifying. So back to my story...

So a few days ago, I was in my room minding my own business and changing my shirt. As I pulled it over my head, I saw something on my newly made bed. Yup... you guessed it. A centipede. I freaked out so bad, anyone would've laughed. It was very reminiscent of a woman on Looney Tunes screaming on top of a chair at a mouse. Except it was me, on the floor. Still screaming, though.

Anyway, I tried to think quickly and find something to kill it with, which happened to be my remote. So I grabbed the remote tried smashing it on the top of my bed. This proved rather ineffective at first, considering my comforter was cushioning all of my remote's blows, not to mention these guys live under rocks for Christ's sake, so they can take a beating. Eventually though, I killed it.